WHAT CHILDREN OF DIVORCE FEEL AND THINK

Harold J. Duarte-Bernhardt

It doesn’t matter how good you think the communication is between you as a parent and your children, when kids get hit by divorce there are things they just won’t tell you—secrets they desperately want someone to know and understand, but won’t probably feel comfortable talking about. More often than not, they are not even able to put it into words. A divorce for a child is a storm of immense proportions. For a young child, one of the primal fears is the loss of his/her mom and dad.

This information is intended to help divorcing parents to understand what their children think and feel during this catastrophic emotional event. Let me hasten to say though, that very often the divorcing parents will not be able to enter their child’s mind for a long, long time. Why? Because they see you as the source of their pain and they are right. As a divorcing parent, you must begin a journey with them by first accepting such reality. Don’t pressure the kids to talk about it prematurely. Very often, grandparents and family are not the most adequate people to approach the subject with a kid either, because they have somehow been involved in the tensions building up to the divorce.

Here are some of the thoughts and feelings kids of divorce experience:

“I just can't tell anyone how alone I feel—No one will understand the pain I feel. My tummy hurts when I think about my daddy and mommy not loving each other any more”

Children of divorce often feel isolated. After the divorce, they wear a smile around mom and dad to keep peace in the family, but inside they're miserable. To cope with their pain, they may withdraw, spend enormous amounts of time playing video games, watching TV or they may become angry and fight with whoever crosses their path. They may also clown excessively, deny reality, delve into overachievement, or conform to their peers to minimize how "different" they feel from everyone else. Here are some things you can do to help:

• Ask the child casually how he or she honestly feels about the divorce.

• Point out it's okay to feel angry or sad, but be careful with the overuse of “it’s ok to feel this way” phrase as a way to calm your own anxiety over the subject. Kids resent it when something that is so shocking and painful to them seems to be so “normal” in the mind of their parents.

• Don't expect a child to feel the same way the involved adults do.

• And by all means, respect the child’s desire in not wanting to talk about it. Very often children choose to suffer silently rather than to share their pain.

“I wonder if my mom and dad ever really loved each other. Isn't love supposed to last forever?”

This is a loaded one! The kid’s concept of love is shaken to the core when facing divorce. Kids have idealistic views of love and divorce breaks them all. Kids are supposed to be idealistic! Imagine what divorce does to their simple world. Here are some ways you can help:

• Go through old photo albums and dig out those wedding pictures. It's important for kids of all ages to know they were wanted and enjoyed.

• Reassure the child there were many happy times in the past. Remind him or her that his or her father or mother both had strong feelings for each other and decent qualities the other loved.

• The worst thing a parent can do is to destroy pictures, send stuff back to the other spouse or take down family pictures around the house. Kids don’t logically understand the hostility of their parents against each other regardless of how much you explain it to them. All they see is the “mean” side of that behavior!

• You need to know as a divorcing parent that any answer you provide to a child regarding the “love” subject will be questioned secretly, intensely and will be taken with suspicion. The statement “I love you, but I don’t love your mommy anymore” is deeply offensive to kids. I assure you something… Every time you tell your child experiencing divorce that “you love him/her,” he/she will question your statement in his own mind. Why? Because supposedly you have said that before to his/her other parent, right? It doesn’t matter how nice you make the past sound, how reasonably you make the divorce sound, children keep saying to themselves… “Why couldn’t my parents resolve their issues for the sake of our family and me?” Face it, they are looking at you and thinking “You are a selfish person!” It’s hard to talk about love to them when they are experiencing the divorce of their parents.

• Very often the kinds of response that “psychologists” and “divorce books” provide parents to handle the subject of divorce with their kids is not only inadequate but deeply disrespectful of the strong feelings kids experience. A response such as “I understand” sounds pathetically phony to a child that is hurting for something he has no control over or he believes could be resolved. Don’t you hate it when someone does that to you? Another one is “It’s normal for you to feel that way.” Ouch! Kids want to know if you are hurting as much as they are hurting. Your response sounds condescending at best! Like suddenly you have turned into their psychologist! And if you are hurting as much as they are, then the question in their minds is “why don’t you do something to stop the non-sense.” In the kid’s mind a hero is someone who fights for them and defends them. You are not their hero at the moment! I know that hurts your feelings as a parent but it’s the reality you have created by default or design!

• What I tell divorcing parents to help them understand what a child goes through during a divorce is something like this… “Imagine an act of abuse and violence against your child’s will… That’s what divorce is to them! They are watching the whole drama… They are bleeding… It’s hurting them deeply and there is nothing, absolutely nothing they can do to help stop it! Just imagine that from their perspective. Put yourself in their shoes. Step in carefully, respectfully, graciously and humbly because they are looking at you as the culprit of this mess… That’s what they won’t tell you, but that’s what they are feeling deep, deep down in their tummies.” All the stories about past love, how good of a daddy or mommy the other parent is and why divorce is the “only way” don’t make any sense to the kids of divorce! Stop trying to make sense!

• And last… avoid using “your father” and “your mother” all of a sudden if you have never spoken that way before. If you used to call your spouse by first name before the divorce, keep using it… If you call him/her “dad” or “mom” keep using that without the “your.” Kids detect small little changes and everything hurts!

“I think it was my fault, because I heard Mom and Dad fighting over me.”

Parents who aren't getting along will fight over the issues involved in parenting. To a child listening through the walls, it may seem every fight is his or her fault. Younger children are more likely than older kids to blame themselves for a divorce, but all children need to know most arguments about them result from problems between two married adult parents that should know how to resolve their issues, not the other way around.

“Mom and Dad expect me to “adjust,” but the family I once knew is gone. Why can’t they cut me some slack?”

Kids, by definition, lack maturity. They don't know how to "be angry” while not acting out. Many times they can't even verbalize why or at whom they're angry. They are just angry!

Very often what suffers immediately during or after a divorce is school and their relationships with peers.

Let kids know anger and a feeling of depression is natural and do give them some slack. They need time to grieve and deal with the pain of their family gone as they knew it. I know it’s hard for divorcing parents to be “mature” about their kids when they are so “immature” themselves at handling their own marriage… but for their sake, do it! Here are some things you can do to help:

• Tell them you understand that you as a parent have let them down as kids. Assume responsibility for the “mess.” That attitude alone will go a long way in earning you some respect back from your kids.

• Tell them you will understand of their “slow-down time.” Tell them it will happen!

• Talk to the school about it so the teacher/s knows what’s going on. Build a “team” spirit around the child. Typically there will be more absences. Deal with it kindly.

• Understand in your mind that “divorce” is not their fault and the consequences they have to pay for it is something they don’t deserve or want. Then, tell them that many times. Thank them for walking the painful path with you though it’s not their responsibility. Let them know you consider their acts a gift of grace. It is the truth and they know it. No child deserves the pain of divorce! Divorce is mostly all about two adult parents that choose not to get along with each other.

• Slowly and gracefully make them understand that regardless of how tough it is you are trying to continue to fulfill your responsibilities and you expect the same from them.

“Sometimes I'm relieved my parents are divorced. Then I feel guilty. Shouldn't I want them to be together?”

Children whose homes were a living nightmare often rejoice when their parents divorce. They're thankful they won't have to call the police again to stop the fighting, and relieved to know an abusive or alcoholic parent no longer will create havoc in the home.

Very often what happens once a parent leaves is that the family left behind experiences a change in the dynamics of their relationships and things actually get better. Kids are very sensitive to change. They feel like they are communicating better and there is less tension. You as a parent need to understand that!

But as time passes, that initial relief may fade into guilt, especially if Dad ends up in jail or Mom cries from loneliness. A child may feel like a traitor.

If this is the situation, encourage the child not to hate or fear the absent parent, but to pray for him or her. Everyone in the family needs time to heal and learn new ways of coping with problems. Assure the child that though some problems seem insurmountable we can obtain the spiritual strength to walk through the tough spots.

“Mom and Dad use me to spy on each other, and each wants to be my favorite parent. I feel caught in the middle!”

Out of curiosity and to please a parent a child may pass information to the other parent or “spy” on one or the two of them. Kids are highly curious and sensitive to issues of immorality and what’s right and wrong. By all means don’t let them be in that position intentionally or unintentionally.

It's all too easy for parents to compete for their children's loyalty, but remember, a united front is still the best approach to parenting, divorce or no divorce.

In all fairness, kids play divorce games, too. They often pit parents against each other, vying for the "best deal."

“Sometimes I feel like I'm the adult and my parents are children.”

It's easy for a parent recovering from divorce to collapse and let someone else care for him or her for a while. But children aren't equipped to handle the role reversal. They need the freedom to be children. While it's good for kids to help around the house, don't let them take on too much responsibility. It's not healthy for them to be consumed with worry for their parents' ability to survive.

“My parents divorced, so I'll never get married. Love and marriage just don't work.”

I've heard this thought expressed so many times: "Hey, my parents were Christians, and they couldn't make it work, so there's no hope for me."

Sensitive to their maturity level, be honest with kids about why the divorce happened. Many parents shrug off their kids' curiosity with "You're too young to understand." Honestly, that is the most irresponsible, disrespectful response a parent can give a child hurting over a divorce.

Children of divorce need to know what happened to their parents so they can keep from making those same mistakes and breaking those commitments in the future. Be encouraging, hopeful, and strong when you talk to children about their future marriage partners. Again, don’t hurry to sound "too good" and give too much advice because they won’t believe a word you say for a long time! Be ready for that one!

The toughest part in explaining divorce to kids is:

• Why is it that the “love” thing didn’t work in your case…? Be specific and truthful because kids know more than you think! Their wisdom is clean and intuitive. It may take you time to explain this one. Don’t hurry into it. If you are divorcing because you don’t want to think you may never be able to explain this one. It requires some serious thinking!

• If there are moral issues don’t hide them. When kids are suspicious of extra marital activity they deserve to know the truth. Believe me, kids are smart! If there was anything going on and you don't tell them the truth, they will never trust you again. I promise you that! I have heard it from too many kids whose parents divorced and the tough questions were never answered. I will never forget what Heidi (age 27) told me across a table at a restaurant in Beverly Hills just a few days. “I asked my mother if there has been another man involved during the divorce period and she just flat lied to me. I even knew who the guy was, Harold! I was so furious! Since then, I have looked at my mother as a friend but I can not respect her as a parent any longer.” How sad!

• It is very difficult to divorce and be honest at the same time. Ninety percent of the time divorces can and should be avoided. It’s how married partners manipulate reality and the truth that makes the divorce happens in the first place. It’s very difficult to turn around and suddenly try to be honest with kids that are hurting like crazy when the cause of divorce is quite often very dishonest!

“More than anything, I want my mom and dad to get together again.”

If theirs was a fairly happy home, or if they were ignorant about the problems in the marriage, children may have only good memories of the time their family was intact. Those memories grow more precious as time goes on.

Kids will resent a new “spouse” (boyfriend or girlfriend) attached to any of their parents because remarriage means the old marriage will never be restored. The hope is gone! If you divorce the minimum you owe your kids is time and sensitivity to their feelings.

• Rebuild a relationship with them first. This will take time and no extra pressures.

• Make them a part of your new journey. This will take time and a willingness to be accountable to them for your life. Parents who are divorcing for “freedom” usually have a problem with this suggestion. Again, it’s hard to mix divorce and honesty in most cases!

• Make them a part of your “new choices.” If you left your kids and your spouse, and the kids already know who the “replacement” is... at least be honest and get ready to deal with angry and resentful kids for a long, long time. They will not accept your new partner in the near future. In their own world (if they are normal and moral kids) they are looking at your behavior as “abusive” and “imposing.” And they are right! Kids deserve better than that from their parents.

• In time, once trust is rebuilt, be honest—let them know it's okay to remember past happiness, but happiness can be found in the future, too.

“I love Dad, but Mom doesn't love him anymore. When she tells me what a loser my Dad is, I just want to die. Why can't she understand that?”

One golden rule for divorced parents is this: Give children the freedom to love their other parent. No matter how clear the ex-husband's faults, no matter how rotten or lousy the marriage was, a child needs to be able to choose to love and admire whoever they want to admire. After all, when one parent is constantly criticized, in effect the child is being criticized as well.

• Very often what happens in troubled marriages is that one parent has consistently painted the other parent as the “bad one.” One of the worst forms of family conflict is called “triangulation.” Triangulation happens when one parent develops a relationship with the child on the basis of his/her negative feelings about the other parent. The “negativity” becomes the basis of their relationship. When parents divorce, very often the child finds out that the “negative” parent is not bad at all. Furthermore, the child ends up disconnecting from the parent who was “critical” of the other because there is nothing else to the relationship.

• Even when the child finds out, after the divorce, that the “negative” aspects of his/her parent are truth, he/she still feels like helping that parent to be better. A child’s heart is compassionate and expresses clean love. That is the beauty of a child. That’s the darkness of divorce! Imagine if marriage partners would be compassionate like kids. There would be no divorce, uh?

• Very often, after a divorce, kids take it upon themselves the unspoken responsibility to “balance” the field and find the good in their parents in spite of the negativity and the toxicity that has been shared by their parents about each other through the years.

Children of divorce are faced with some pretty tough situations; they experience ugly and unknown feelings; they feel a pain that at times feels like torture in the middle of the night; they need help and encouragement to "hang in there."

Don't hesitate to admit you don't have all the answers. Attempt to feel their pain instead of explaining what happened. In fact, not knowing the answers is better than trying to deal with so much pain in insensitive ways. Silence is better than insulting their “tummies.” Presence is better than explanations. Humbleness of spirit is better than being right.

Two huge ones in dealing with kids of divorce:

• Acknowledgment for wrong doing in a marriage, your parenting or in your personal life is forgiven by a child much easier than the arrogance of a parent that believes that by putting his/her selfish interest first and divorcing, he/she could resolve a perceived family or personal problem. Kids understand selfishness from an early age and they react to it strongly! After all, the same parents divorcing are the ones that taught them how not to be selfish, right?

• Don't you ever dare to assume that you are divorcing your spouse alone! This is the biggest misconception most divorcing parents hold! Divorce is NEVER about MARRIAGE. It’s ALWAYS about FAMILY even when there are no kids in the picture. When you divorce your spouse, you are actually divorcing and breaking an entire family system. Accept it and deal with it. A classic I heard from a 17 year old girl sometime ago: "When my mom told me she felt like she was divorcing three people instead of one because we were mad with her for leaving my dad, she pressed the hot bottom of all the emotions I was feeling inside of myself. I felt like saying to her: 'Yes, you divorced everyone in our family by doing what you did.'" And, she was correct! Be sensitive to a kid's thinking. You have chosen to start a new mode of "family life" unknown to the kids. The old family is gone. You have divorced everyone in the old structure! You technically broke the family, right?

When it comes to kids and divorce time, deep and simple honesty are the only things that help a child heal and deal with the scars of such catastrophic destroyer of emotional safety and personal comfort. And at times, if you are the one that has filed for divorce against the will of your spouse, it may take years to recover the trust of your kids!